Achieve Your Dreams, the world’s pre-eminent site for supporting men and women who have suffered a relationship loss, and promoting better relationships presents another insight into assisting men and women to find better and more satisfying relationships.
This blog is intended for adults wanting to understand relationships and forge strong lasting relationships.
Members of both genders often feel intimidated approaching potential attractive partners and this is normal. They see these people receive lots of attention and they are rarely without a date. But before you assume too much consider for a moment what sort of offers they are receiving and don’t underestimate your chances.
Males and females both go through an experimental and gaining experience stage – this will usually end in their twenties, depending on cultural norms, so information presented here refers to after this stage.
I have spoken to several fairly attractive males and females and you may be surprised about their experiences. Attractive females are often seen as ‘trophies’ and don’t get too many offers from ‘average’ guys – now considering average is around 75% of the population that’s a huge slice of the population. This is usually because the average males consider they have no chance and so don’t approach. Those that do approach are often being ‘egged on’ by mates, want to gain status or can suffer personality disorders. Suffice to say few have much to offer an attractive woman in real terms. Attractive males are seen as a ‘must bed’ by many women, despite their relationship status, but are not seen as a good bet for a long term relationship; too much competition and too hard to keep, leaving many attractive males alone.
Even in these ‘enlightened’ days where society allows women to approach a male, most women prefer a male to approach them. Women are still worried about giving off the ‘wrong’ impression and appearing ‘easy’, so many won’t make an approach to a guy they don’t know. Most women can flirt and ‘encourage’ a guy to make an the first move.
The thought of making an approach to another person is often enough to make one feel ill, but it doesn’t need to be this way. With practice you can overcome these emotions and make your approach seem like it’s the most natural thing in the world. If you make it a ‘life or death’ situation you are going to be extremely nervous and emotional. I’m sure you will agree this is not the ideal state to be in. We are taught ‘stranger danger’ in school and with good reason, but we are now adults. It’s not easy to approach a stranger without practicing. Why not say “Hello” to everyone on your travels (discretion may need to be exercised if you are female) without any expectation of a reply – you are giving, not seeking! Some people will answer and others may not, but that’s not important – once you get used to talking to strangers it becomes second nature – you will appear friendlier and your emotions will remain under control – why not try it?
Just a word about confidence for both genders. There is an old saying that goes something like, “You have to love yourself to be loved!” Genes dictate your outward appearance, so accept what you have – if you are 6’6” your chances of being a professional jockey are pretty slim; likewise if you are 4’11” your chances of being a professional basketballer are similar. You can dress to accentuate your assets and disguise your lesser features, but you are what you are, accept and love yourself – as the words of Max Ehrmann’s poem Desiderata state, “You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.” Enough said!
Part of your confidence is knowing what you have to offer to your partner. Once you work that out you will be way ahead of your competitors and instead of asking for a date, you will be offering an opportunity to a potential partner. Humans have a built in aversion to being asked for something and the automatic response is usually no – making an offer will produce a considered response!
Security is a big thing in most women’s lives – this stems from lawless societies and sabre toothed tigers. Each woman has her own version of security, but for many it’s tenure – a man to protect her, to cherish her, talk to her, allay her fears, build a life together and maybe have a family. This is important for the next step, especially for males. Note there is no mention of material things here!
It’s important that a couple have lots in common – according to experts they must agree about money, religion and having children to have any chance of success. It’s best to meet a partner where you feel confident – an activity you excel at, or are at least competent. Look for potential partners in these places for the greatest success.
An attractive woman may receive more than 50 emails a day from a dating site, she may get up to 20 offers a day, so she is used to being approached. She has heard almost every ‘line’ invented and will have answers ready. Your only real chance is to be sincere and genuine. When you approach you must do it confidently and without hesitation – she will probably notice anyway. Look at her as you approach and smile. Start with ‘Hello, I’m (your name)” and make your opening gambit – practice this so it’s smooth and confident. A very neutral opening approach is, “I couldn’t help noticing you and had to come over and say hi.” She will or won’t respond – if she doesn’t she is not worth the effort, but if she does, then follow up with something about the place where you are, “It’s noisy in here”, “Lovely outfit, dress, necklace….” Continue the conversation trying to find commonality – people you both know, places you’ve both been, workplaces, schools, towns, cities, entertainment venues, etc. Find out what she likes and make an effort to ask her out somewhere you will both enjoy and make the arrangements. Exchange contact details and politely excuse yourself. If you are at a venue, ensure you show you are enjoying yourself.
If you are a woman trying to get an attractive male’s attention then understand men are not as adept in this area. I have spoken to many exasperated women who have sent gestures to several men without any response. Men are slower in this regard and although some are very alert the vast majority aren’t – men may see your gesture, but think it’s for the guy behind them. Subtlety is not the domain of males and even though every woman in the vicinity will understand the male may miss your signals. Better be closer, smile and maybe open a conversation – whatever you are comfortable with will probably work best.
So the date arrives – both are expectant. You want the date to be fun and for the person to associate you with fun times, but you also don’t want to waste time if your date is looking for something very different from what you want. Your date can’t read your mind, regardless of how they may feel. You must somehow find a way to be serious and let your potential partner know what you are looking for. This can be accomplished by adapting the feedback sandwich. It is often used in Toastmasters and in the corporate environment. I refer to the feedback sandwich as PIP, which stands for Positive-Improvement-Positive. Our PIP is pleasure, information, promise.
So you meet and compliment each other – share what you are doing, laugh, smile and have fun for about one third of the time allotted. Then you may say, “I realise this may be a little premature but in the interests of clarity, would you mind sharing what you are looking for in a relationship?” This will give you a good indication of which stage they are at in terms of a permanent relationship. If they have no idea, they are not ready to commit and go back to having a lovely time. If they can describe what a relationship looks like for them, then listen and tell them your version. If you have a match then OK you can promise to work towards your goals and go back to having a great time. If not, you know you aren’t suited and continue your evening without regrets – remember you didn’t expect anything.
Both genders are looking for the best deal available at any given time – as long as you know what you want and are prepared to ask for it, then you will avoid the mistake so many couples make by assuming the other party wants the same as they do.
So this is what we covered in this blog.
- Attractive people get lots of attention, but what sort?
- Development stages Age – teenagers and ready to settle down
- Sometimes the choices of attractive people are limited
- Men have to approach women
- Don’t make it a ‘life or death’ situation – it’s a journey – practice makes perfect
- Practice delivery
- Confidence is everything
- Know what you have to offer
- Women want security and to be loved
- Look in places where you have something in common
- The approach
- Make it fun, but make them an offer on the 1st date
- People can’t read your mind
- Both genders are looking for the best deal
- Don’t assume – ask for what you want
Thanks for your support and Good Luck.
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