Achieve Your Dreams, the world’s pre-eminent site for supporting men and women who have suffered a relationship loss , and promoting better relationships presents another insight into assisting men and women to find better and more satisfying relationships.
This blog is intended for adults wanting to understand relationships and forge strong lasting relationships.
Most relationship issues are caused by misunderstandings. Something you or the other person said or did is taken out of context and blown up in the imagination, where anything is possible, and experience hurt.
Human’s tend to judge the world by their values and understandings, so someone may do something that upsets you – someone may let you down, not return your call, not invite you somewhere, may find a new friend and not spend as much time with you, there was an incident at work – the reasons are endless. These kinds of events can happen in friendships, between siblings, with parents, relations, at work with your boss and colleagues and even with clients and suppliers if you own a business or any other type of relationship.
In long term relationships like husband / wife, partners etc. the issue may be deeper than misunderstandings, but they do occur. In many cases this issue is disappointment – what’s happening is not the same as what you imagined or expected – your partner puts work ahead of you, is often unavailable, doesn’t listen to you, refuses intimacy, or you suspect them of cheating – again the reasons are endless. Remaining silent often causes emotional pressure so you explode, or may lead to resentment and hate. Honesty, total honesty, is the only way forward.
Maybe surprisingly, a ‘repaired’ relationship is often much stronger and deeper after differences and expectations are aired.
Ok, that said here is a guide to repair a relationship
- Calm down. Use breathing or visualising techniques to remain calm. When emotions are evoked it’s hard to remain objective and find solutions.
- Contact only if safe. If there is any possibility you could be harmed or put in a compromising situation it’s best to have a meeting with another person or a professional present. Otherwise contact the person and try to make arrangements to meet. If the person is too far away to meet then arrange an online meeting or phone call. Maximum an hour at a time.
- Plan what you want to discuss and write it down – you may forget otherwise.
- Meet in public. It’s always best to meet at a neutral place – a public place where you can chat and allow sufficient time – otherwise you may be giving off ‘hurry up’ vibes that could easily be misinterpreted.
- When you meet ensure you smile and give a hug if it’s appropriate – this gesture can disarm the other person.
- Don’t accuse. Approach with an open mind and apologise for anything you feel is your fault. Use ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements – ‘I feel I am being ignored’, rather than ‘You are ignoring me’ – the latter will make the other person defensive and little progress will be made.
- State your side and what you want – listen to their side. Using the above example, ‘I feel I am being ignored, and I would like you to spend more time with me.’ Shut up and listen to the other person. Stay on the topic and don’t allow old accusations into the conversation. Reiterate back to the other person what you heard and get confirmation before proceeding. Get the other person to do the same. Suggest a break if things get too hot and even go for a short walk to regain equilibrium – maybe the bathroom if you are inside.
- Clear up misunderstandings or walk away. If you are making progress then continue, even if it takes several meetings, weeks or even months. Test for change and remind the other person of their commitment to make changes. Don’t make threats, but make it known that you are seriously looking for change and a solution. If you are getting excuses and the other person is blaming you or not taking responsibility then walk away – some people can’t take responsibility for themselves and their action – they will never change despite promises to the contrary. Remember the old adage, “Actions speak louder than words!”
- Not all relationships last a lifetime. It’s hard to lose a relationship, but remind yourself you managed before you met the person in question and you will manage again. If it’s one or both of your parents, then remain strong – it may be better to forge a life without them – only you can make that decision. Try not to ‘burn bridges’ or become overly emotional – you will appear more credible and envisage a bright future no matter how it may seem at the time. Millions of others have done it before you and millions will do it after you.
- Move on – get assistance if you need it. Whatever the outcome try to move on – grief is real and it takes time to emotionally adjust to an emotional loss – it averages around 2.5 years, but can take as long as 5 years. If you feel you aren’t coping get professional assistance.
If your loss was caused by a sudden illness, death or suicide then you can’t follow these steps. Instead, make sure you don’t blame yourself, regardless of the state of the relationship before the loss occurred, or what the other person said. They made a decision that you had no control over. Memories are precious and try to keep the positive memories by surrounding yourself with mementoes. Slowly work through your grief, and get assistance if you need it. Keep as positive as you can about your future and form as many other relationships as you can that give you support. There are some organisations where you can meet others in a similar situation and that will let you know you are not alone.